Are You Ok?

Since my previous post I have gotten the question "are you ok?" quite a bit.  I got it quite a bit before too, it was just more noticeable in the last week or so.

It is hard to answer this question.  Had you asked me in January the answer would have been "hell no" and if you ask me next January the answer had better be "yep!" but for now, well, it's neither of those.  Really the answer, as any good lawyer will tell you, is "it depends".  Some days are really good and some days are not so good.  When I have too much time to think, those are the not so good days ... good thing I like being busy!

It is hard to put a lot of feelings in the right words, luckily some very talented artists have already done it for me.  So I am going to share some of my feelings with you through their art.

Sometimes I feel like the girl with the chainsaw - I just want to erase it all - I want to be "sittin' on a stump":

Sometimes I feel like I should have known it was trouble and that the worst part was losing myself:

Sometimes I feel blue and dark grey because I miss the red:

Sometimes I really just wish I could break his heart, but well, I can't:

But a lot of times, I just feel close, close but not there, not yet:

So, am I ok?  Well, it depends.  But "it depends" is a hell of a lot better than "no".  So I guess that is progress.  

People Say ...

It's now been well over two months since I have posted.  I could tell you I have been busy.  I could tell you I forgot to "publish" the posts.  I could tell you a lot of things, but they would all be excuses.  No excuses here - I haven't posted because I haven't felt like it.

January was rough.  February was mediocre.  March was morose.  April was lousy.  May was rotten.  I haven't been in a great place since January, despite how some of my posts may make it seem.  Life has been arduous and problematic.  For the less sophisticated, life in 2014 has kinda sucked.

I had my heart shattered in January, and that has impacted a lot of my life.  I have not been myself.  I have not been able to figure out to to be happy again.  I have had no desire to do things that once gave me great joy, including writing in this blog. I have been the recipient of lots of "advice" or "words of wisdom" in the last few months, but I must confess, the words do nothing to ease the hurt or soothe the soul.

People say that it is always darkest before the dawn.  Well, I prefer midday - sunny and bright and full of light.  People say time heals all wounds.  Maybe so, but you are still left with the scars.  And scars, mental or physical, are disfiguring.

People say that I need the experience of heartbreak, that it's good for me.  They are wrong.  This feeling, this deep, indescribable hurt cannot possibly be good and any "good" that might come from it is not any kind of "good" that I want.  I would not wish this feeling on my most hated enemies let alone my closest friends.

People say everything happens for a reason, but there is no discernible reason for heartbreak.  While I learned a lot from my relationship with "Jim", my breakup has only taught me one thing ... I never want to do this again, ever.

People say, now what?  Well, I don't know.  I honestly have no clue.  But I am writing again.  I suppose that is a start.  It's a start.